Tired Of Fighting
by aprylynn
Summary: Post Deep Trouble Part 2 (6x01). Inspired by episode preview. Sam and Callen are safe, but something is still bothering Kensi. Deeks knows something is wrong. Will they be able to figure it all out?


Happy Birthday, Tatiana/Toucheblye/Eagerplatypus! You are sweet and amazing and talented and funny and I'm glad for the chance to know you and fangirl with you and I hope you have an awesome day :)

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><p><strong>AN:** _I started writing this before the sneak peaks and behind the scenes stuff came out. So for the sake of this story, I'm assuming that any confrontation between Kensi and Talia never happened._

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><p>They all should be celebrating. After a long and terrifying day, Sam and Callen were safe and they could all breathe easy. But Kensi didn't feel like celebrating. As relieved as she was that they didn't lose any of their friends, she couldn't shake the panic from before. She hugged them both, holding on tightly, as if they would slip away forever if she let go. But it didn't stop her racing heartbeat and anxious mind. She finally decided to sneak away when she thought no one would notice. She went home, hoping to wrestle with her thoughts and emotions alone.<p>

Maybe it would all make sense tomorrow.

After everything had calmed down, Deeks knew something was still wrong. The look on her face may have seemed normal to anyone else. But he knew she was hiding something. When he noticed she was gone, he knew it was because she wanted to be alone, but he just couldn't stay away.

Deeks arrived at Kensi's door and knocked, hoping she would answer. When the door opened, he saw a storm of emotions that she was trying to hide. He offered her a smile, trying to break the tension.

"Hey, there. You kinda disappeared on me."

"Yeah… I did."

"You alright?"

"I needed…" She was avoiding eye contact with him. A complete denial would be pointless, but she didn't feel like sharing everything. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"I know you were scared for Sam and Callen. We all were, but they're safe now."

"For now…" There was bitterness behind her words.

"Kens…" She finally looked up and met his gaze. "What's going on?"

She turned around and walked back into her house without saying another word to him. She didn't close the door, so he took that to mean it was okay to follow her. He found her in the kitchen, looking out the window.

"What are we doing all of this for, Deeks?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know…" She turned to face him. "Everyday, it's something more. There's a new danger, a new threat, a new reason to watch your back. And at the end of the day, everything should be okay, because we're safe and we did our jobs. But then the next day comes and we're being shot at or someone is trapped in a submarine or being shipped off to the other side of the world or being tortured. And what is it all for? Is this just what our lives are suppose to be? We face one danger after another and we should be grateful that we're still alive. Is that all there is to all of… this?"

"I'm grateful we're still alive. I think that's pretty important."

"It is and so am I. And for a long time, I thought that was enough, that we're helping people and making a difference in the world, but it keeps coming at us. Today it was Sam and Callen. On a different day it was me…" She looked right into his eyes and her voice started to break. "Or you."

He moved closer, so that he was right in front of her. He didn't know what else to do or say, not sure what she needed. She was struggling and he wanted to just take her burden from her. He wanted to make everything easy for her. But he didn't know how to do that, most likely because it was impossible.

This past year had been difficult. Confusing. Frustrating. Terrifying. So many things changed. So many bad things happened. And while she was genuinely thankful that they were alive and well and able to still do their jobs… it was wearing her down. It was more difficult to forget the bad and focus on the good. She found herself plagued by fear and regret. Her usual strategy of stuffing it down and closing it all up behind protective walls was not working anymore. She could feel her walls crumbling, especially when it came to this man right in front of her.

"You know… I haven't told you this before…" Her voice was quiet, just above a whisper. As if she thought it would help her keep it together. "That day in that auto body shop, I was so relieved to see you alive. You were still breathing and you were alive. You didn't break your promise. And then you asked me to cut you loose and get you out of there. You were so hurt and scared. And what did I do?" She reached over and touched his chest, tears forming in her eyes. "I had to put that kit in your coat and tell you that you had to stay. That I couldn't help you."

"Kens…" He placed his hand over hers. He hated seeing her so conflicted and upset, but at the same time he loved being so close to her. He wondered how he resisted touching her all the time.

She couldn't stop it anymore. Everything was hitting her at the same time. Fear, weariness, guilt, unresolved issues and feelings and emotions… the dam was breaking and then the tears started flowing and the sobs shook her body.

He did the only thing he could do. He gathered her in his arms and held her as she cried. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his shoulder. Several minutes went by, clinging to each other. She was finally able to catch her breath. "I would have switched places with you in a heartbeat. I hated myself for causing you more pain."

He placed a gentle kiss against her temple and whispered against her skin. "It wasn't your fault, Kens."

"Then why does it still feel like it was?"

"I don't know…" He laughed nervously. "But I know how you feel. I blamed myself… when you were reassigned. I thought it was because of… us. Because we took things too far."

"It wasn't…"

"Then why does it still feel that way?" He tighened his grip around her. "Being away from you, not knowing if I would ever see you again, thinking you might be dead… I never would have forgiven myself if something happened…"

He pulled back so he could look at her, but still kept her in his embrace. Her face was red and tear-stained. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. And he was still in awe of how gorgeous she was. He brought his hand up to her face and rested his forehead on hers. They both savored the feeling of being in each others' arms, of being close to the person that meant the most to them.

"Deeks…" She leaned back, locking eyes with him. "What are we doing, Deeks? Why are we fighting this?"

"Because… it's complicated."

"It is… but I'm so tired of fighting it."

She leaned up and pressed her lips against his. Neither of them moved for a few moments… and then they couldn't hold back anymore. She opened her mouth and let him devour her. Her hands came up and her fingers threaded through his hair. His hands were everywhere, caressing her back, cradling her neck. He realized that he was tired of fighting this too. Tired of fighting what he felt for this amazing woman in his arms. He realized that he should have kissed her long before now… and that he never wanted to stop.

Finally, she broke the kiss, but kept her face close to his. "There's got to be something more… that makes all of this worth it… and there is… it's you and me. It's us." She kissed him gently and whispered against his lips. "It's this."

"Kens…" All his doubts that plagued him before were still there in the back of his mind. But it felt so good to hold her this close. To feel her hands on him, to feel her lips on his.

He knew she was right. They spent all their time fighting. Fighting threats while at work, fighting against those that would do them harm. And when it wasn't that, he was fighting his feelings for her. But no matter how much he fought and denied it, no matter how much it scared him, no matter how much he told himself it was better to not give in, his feelings did nothing but get stronger.

He started falling in love with her a long time ago, and he hasn't been able to stop.

"I'm tired of fighting, too."

"So… what do we do now?"

He smiled. "I don't know, but I want to figure it out." He kissed her. "And I think this is the right place to start."

"Me crying hysterically all over you?" She smiled, and for the first time all day it actually reached her eyes.

"No… well, sort of, maybe. That's part of. Maybe just being honest with each other for a change."

She rested her head back on his shoulder. "Okay. That sounds scary, but I think we can handle that."

"Bad-ass federal agent Kensi Blye can take on anything, including talking about her feelings."

He felt her smile against his skin and then she kissed his neck. "Bring it on."


End file.
